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The Top Ten Reasons
The Electric Industry May Be Deregulated:
10. Regulating is getting in the way of Hazel O’Leary’s pricey foreign junkets.
9. Because the next generation of computers will only operate using "Electric Bill" Gates' Microsoft Power Plant Network ©.
8. Bill Clinton has a problem with that bit about "the obligation to serve".
7. All "stranded" utility assets can be moved to Mexico -- then we’ll bail them out.
6. Ross Perot claims that FERC Commissioners tried to disrupt his daughter’s wedding.
5. We’re bored with "Monopoly" -- how about a game of "Power Contract Bridge"?
4. Enron will throw in a set of blinking Christmas lights with each new power contract!
3. When retail wheeling comes, you can buy your power from your neighbor’s brother-in-law!
2. Hillary is psyched to buy some hot, new commodities!
1. CIA intelligence gatherers report that, quite possibly, electricity can be generated and then sent out over wires.
The Top Ten Reasons The Electric Industry May Be Deregulated" was written and originally presented by Peter Dykhuis, PMA Director of Communications, at "The PMA Strategies For Success in Power Marketing Conference", December 13, 1995, in Arlington, Virginia.
Here are some recent, unexpurgated suggestions submitted by PMA OnLine visitors:
The reason why I think the electric power industry may be deregulated is:
- Lawyers were next on the downsizing list.
submitted by: Teryl
- Suggestion 1) Because The Home Shopping Network offered a deal energy marketers couldn't refuse; and
Suggestion 2) Because Bob Dole agreed to lend Enron the money for its advertising
campaign, provided they don't tell Elizabeth.
submitted by: Don Stowers
- Some think people will pay more "Green Backs" for "Green Power".
submitted by: anonymous
(Them tree huggers'll go for it -- seein' what them veggie burgers are goin' for. Boy howdy!)
- Because deregulation may be the only way that electric utilities can finally get rid of all that nuclear waste that has been "temporarily" stored on site at their nuclear power plants for all these years - they can sell it!
submitted by: Brian
- Because, after years of being discussed only by boring industrial and utility executives, it finally passed the media hurdle; being discussed by both Cokie Roberts on NPR and Bill Mahar on "Politically Incorrect" in the same week!
submitted by: Frederick P. Fendt
(Boring! Some of those guys were politically incorrect when Cokie and Bill were still in their "Inna Gadda Da Vida" period.)
- Because the gas utility executives have quit whining and gnashing their teeth. God, how I miss the sounds of purgatory!
submitted by: Guy Ausmus (Is that the one that goes: "Hello darkness my old friend..."?)
- Because in the squalor of our late twentieth century cynicism and boredom, we require decadent entertainment of Romanesque proportions – and what could be more thrilling than tossing tubby pink little monopoly executives into a fiery ring of competition to duke it out in a gory corporate blood battle? And who knows, we might end up saving 50 cents per month on our electric bills.
submitted by: Eric Lewis-Birkholz (We never condone violence or decadence, but indulging our squalor is always nice!)
- 'Cause the researchers have run out of ways to churn out papers for the regulated power industry.
submitted by: "Research" Student (Researchers know more about churning than Land-o-Lakes. Now get back to your homework!)
- Because its against the law to lobby public utility commissioner's with money; and politicians realized that they were missing out on a potential funding source from all those energy companies.
submitted by: Eric Hiaasen (Last one to The Lincoln Bedroom is a rotten egg!)
- I actually ate dinner without being interupted by someone selling a long distance phone service once last week.
submitted by: Warren Andrle (Are you sure your phone hasn't been disconnected?)
- Because, like many marriages, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
submitted by: anonymous (Thank you for your comment, Mr. Clinton.)
- I love to shop!
submitted by: anonymous ("And coming up in our next hour: 'Megawatt Madness' -- be sure to use 'Tootie'!")
- Because it will divert us from realizing that high tension lines are really big sutures that keep the Earth from spinning apart. The truth is out there.
submitted by: Mal Bertsch (Shut up, Mal!)
- So that McGraw-Hill will have an excuse to organize more grossly overpriced
conferences.
submitted by: Steve (But Steve, they're still cheaper than a coffee at the White House.)
- Because the airline industry, due to an earlier deregulation of its own, desperately needs all the air traffic generated by all of us wonks flying around to all the electric industry restructuring conferences to offset their own stranded investment.
submitted by: Leon (So that's why the flight attendants have looked a little frazzled lately!)
- Electric company CEO's will have the same opportunity other corporate heads have enjoyed: to be paid millions of dollars while downsizing the workforce to 12 guys.
submitted by: Kathleen (Yeah, but those 12 guys each get corner offices!)
- How else can we afford to power our Disney-Microsoft interactive satellite compu-television complete with direct dial pizza-on-demand and 24 hour OJ trial reruns?
submitted by: Joe (Vouchers?)
- Because EEI doesn't want it to happen.
submitted by: Ken Maize
- Bell Labs has just invented a self-generator involving wool socks and carpeting.
submitted by: Leon Lowery (Deregulation is easy - comedy is hard!)
- If it's not, ENRON will get mad!
submitted by: anonymous (We don't want that to happen now, do we?)
- Because this site is really stupid, and it wasted my time because I was looking for David Letterman. I think that you called it the top 10 just to get cool people who were looking for David Letterman.
submitted by: anonymous (We'll stop at nothing in our quest to attract cool people.)
- There will be more mating.
submitted by: anonymous (You were probably wise to remain anonymous.)
- When people steal the high tension ground wire for the copper, the ground
current must run thru the earth shocking the sensitive noses of the dairy
cattle, reducing milk production.
submitted by: Don (You're a little scary, Don. Get a grip!)
- To replace the three martini lunch executives with the new breed of MBAs.
submitted by: Patricia LoRe (But what will this do to olive futures?)
- Because Washington wonks will then get to start regulating it all over again.
submitted by: Eric (They may be wonks, but they're our wonks!)
- Trading in electricity futures is more prestigious than pork bellies.
submitted by: anonymous (And a little lower in fat content!)
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